Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Gearing Up to Get An Agent Blogfest- Final week

Blogfest first 200 words contest

This month I've been taking part in Deana Barnhart's Gearin' Up to Get an Agent blogfest. Week Four ends this fest  as participants post the first 200 words of their manuscript and invite feedback before submitting it.

Agent Kathleen Rushall of Marsal Lyon Literary Agency and YA author Monica Bustamante Wagner will be this week's judges.

So my friends, you may have read this before but I hope you'll take a moment to leave a comment, because I really do value your feedback. I did run over 200 words just a bit, but the thought had to be finished. Total words 223.

Working title: The Troll Inside

Sometimes you are standing there in the middle of a fairy tale and you don’t even know it. What’s real, what’s true can’t be taught. There is only one way to learn and that is by listening to your heart, and by learning to listen to the hearts around you.

When I was a little girl my father used to sit me on his lap and tell me fairy tales. He never read from a book, but I did not need pictures to make his stories more real. I didn’t know it then, but the world he told me tales about, was part of a world that I belonged to. You see I may look human, but I am part troll and this is my story.

My father had been sick a long time, but just as any child would, I refused to believe that anything could ever happen to him. He reminded me of  “Peter Pan,” a boy he always loved to tell stories about. My father Espen was a boy child, full of mischief and stories of adventures that he loved to share with me. Little did I know that the last time I would see him, he would point me in the direction of his greatest adventure of all, one that he had kept a secret from me my whole life.


So there it is, my first few words into a world of fantasy and adventure. Here is my teaser:

Shortly after her father dies Mathilda, better known as Mattie, finds out about a secret chest, a chest that is buried underneath an Ash tree in her garden. Once she discovers how to find and open this chest, her life is changed forever. Mattie discovers her fathers secrets which cast her into a world full of dangerous creatures, mighty warriors and perils beyond her belief. Her fathers fairy tales were to become not only her legacy, but a guide line to survival and a map to the world she was about to enter... 
 Go ahead, let me have it!

3 comments:

lindy said...

Oh, cool! I like that your MC is a troll-yes indeed! Great writing, great premise. The only advice I have is to cut the second graph completely. Most of it's redundant.

Keep the first graph as is.

Second graph: "My father had been sick a long time, but just as any child would, I refused to believe that anything could ever happen to him. He reminded me of “Peter Pan,” one of many stories he loved to tell. I didn't know it then but most of them featured a world I belonged to. You see I may look human, but I am part troll and this is my story."

Third graph: "My father, Espen, was a boy child, full of mischief and adventure. Little did I know that the last time I would see him, he would point me in the direction of his greatest adventure of all, one that he had kept a secret from me my whole life."

Mark Fenger said...

I like the idea, and for the most part I like the writing, but there are a few things that detract from the story for me.

"My father had been sick a long time, but just as any child would, I refused to believe that anything could ever happen to him."

The narrator is a child (I presume) so this is awfully layered thinking. 'just as any child would' certainly doesn't belong and it could be inferred from the rest. It's also very tell-y. Personally I would rephrase more like, "My father had been sick a long time, but I was sure he'd be fine. If he can hit his thumb so hard with a hammer the nail goes black afterwards, without crying, he can handle anything."

The whole passage has a bit too much tell and not enough show IMO.

In the end though, I am interested, and I would keep reading.

Craziness abounds said...

Wow you worked on that didn't you? It's great! Way to go Siv. I'm so proud of you! I haven't even touched mine to revise yet. I'm giving it a few to sit then I'm gonna tear it up. K just clean it up. Are you feeling any better. To much going on in your life all at once. Hope you are taking care of yourself lady!