This is my first post for the Insecure Writers Support Group. What we write about are concerns, fears, and struggles and/or recent breakthroughs or words of encouragement for other writers. You will find the other members of this group at the bottom of my blog. It is still not too late to join!
My biggest fear is that I will lose interest. Life makes so many demands on me that it is not easy to just disappear into a world of paper and pen. Some people seem to think that I can just spit out words and ring them up into the money machine. Writing does not come easy, and despite what others might think I do not write because I think it is fun. I write because I have to. Whether I am painting with oils or with words, self-expression is important to me, and built into my DNA. You might be asking yourself right about now, how I could lose interest if writing is so essential to my being. That is where this blog is so important to me. The friendships and encouragement I have gotten here in this cyber world keep me going. So here is a word of thanks to all my muses out there. I could not do it without you.
In the real everyday world encouragement is attached with a price tag. How much money you can make, if you should self-publish or not, if blogging alone will get you sponsors…the list goes on. There are many ways the real world will stamp you guilty for not doing something that is financially productive straight away. It would be nice if I could just spit out those words, publish a book and let the money roll in. So here is the book I am working on now, The Troll Inside. I have hit a dead spot. Inspiration has left the building and the pressure of life has killed my muse.
Contributing to society and the money machine could make me feel less guilty for the hours I spend splashing ink around. Maybe I will get tired of feeling guilty and that will make me lose interest in being what I am supposed to be, a writer and an artist. I could spend my time and conform myself into a sales clerk with a pay check or something like that. If I could join the matrix of mankind and be “normal, “If I could just delete that part of me that needed to be creative, would I? Would you? Sometimes I think it would be easier to just put on a uniform and go to work. Been there, done that. Now I am taking time out to explore this creative side of myself and I feel guilty. I guess women are born to feel guilty, to feel like they have to do everything to please everyone else. So my friends, that is my biggest fear. That my writing will not be enough to please everyone including myself and I will lose interest. That I will succumb to the matrix, my creative self will just wither up and die.
----So I fell onto the sidewalk and a man in a suit reached out his hand to help me up. I hesitated when I saw his face, so like the face of my father. A smile rested there, the kind of smile that said, “I told you not to run. I told you so!” It was so easy then to stand up on my own and smile back. ----
Sometimes we just have to fall down in order to practice getting up again. Sometimes we need help and sometimes we just have to do it ourselves.
18 comments:
Guilt and the work/life balance are a burden. It is great that the Insecure Writer's Support Group is bolstering so many of us.
Great post Siv! Why are we all so afraid of falling anyway?
Great post. I hope you always get up and continue with your creative side.
I enjoyed this post because you talked about something internally true to who writers are- what if the inspiration, that need, dries up, disappears in us, then what. Its a great question, one each person can only answer for themselves, and honestly- I hope it never goes away for you.
Knowing when to ask and accept help is hard. I'm very proud of you for sticking to it. You are a wonderful woman and I understand the guilt and the frustration that follows you as a writer. Having the same problem myself. You story is great and you need to just keep at it. It's not about money. If that becomes our goals as writers then we have lost the reason we write. Just keep going lady. You can do this!
Writing became very difficult for me once I started publishing. I was no longer writing for my own self-expression. I love sharing my stories and there is a joy that comes with the knowledge that something I created has brought a brief amount of happiness to another person. However, it still increases the pressure I feel with each story I write. Is this good enough? What will have to be changed? Etc. It's a vicious cycle sometimes. Thanks for sharing. You are inspiration to me as well. I love reading your comments and look forward to coming here. :)
So true, falling isn't always a bad thing ;)
Crap, if I was writing to be productive and make a living, my family would be starving now!
Siv, you have too much determination and orneryness to NOT get back up.
Wow, this is a great post. Like you, I write because I have to, because self expression is a must. If I couldn't write, I don't know who I would be.
Very beautiful and introspective post. Now, I'm on to read more. :-)
If writing is part of your DNA, then write. If your Muse dies, resusitate her or get another.
I really liked this because it hit on something that often is glossed over--passion. I have had those moments where I have felt dead inside, as if the fire is finally out. They scare the hell out of me. I find myself insisting I reboot periodically--whether it's with taking a trip, meditation, spending a day alone when I should be doing the thousand things on my list. It's vital for a writer--and as a human.
I often wonder if I will lose interest in writing. Hope I don't because it's quite cathartic.
Some days I wonder what would happen if I walked away. If I never published another book, gave up speaking, and vanished from the internet...
Oh the guilt thing. I so have that. It's great to meet you. I look forward to reading your posts.
You should read the most recent W.I.P it entry. Lynda talked about how to enjoy your writing.
If writing as self expression is in your DNA (and you're a fantastic writer, so I'm sure it is) then don't ever worry about losing it. It may temporarily go on vacation for awhile while you sort through other things in your life, but it will always come back to you. Write because you love it and enjoy it. If it is starting to become a burden, then take a little break from it until you are inspired again.
If blogging and working on your novel has hit a road block temporarily, try other writing exercises for fun like journaling all of your thoughts and feelings without the need to proof read it for clarity and thoroughness. I find sometimes that just writing out whatever is in your head without needing to make it flow or use proper punctuation always makes me feel better (despite the fact that I wonder if I ever went to school with how much of a giant mess it ends up becoming!)
thank you for expressing the fear of falling -- but as the others say, when we fall down, isn't it amazing that something/body helps us up -- you call us 'out here' your Muses, but your Muse is inside you -- she just gets scared like the rest of us. Thank you for this post - if it weren't for Alex's doing, I'd never have discovered you -- keep on truckin' w/ the projectlol
Hey, Siv... I hear ya! It's torture being a creative person and working for the man.... pretending to care about customers and their wants and needs. UGH! It's like suffocation. But still, I'd never give up my creativity. It's the air that I breathe!
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