This is my first post for the Insecure Writers Support Group. What we write about are concerns, fears, and struggles and/or recent breakthroughs or words of encouragement for other writers. You will find the other members of this group at the bottom of my blog. It is still not too late to join!
My biggest fear is that I will lose interest. Life makes so many demands on me that it is not easy to just disappear into a world of paper and pen. Some people seem to think that I can just spit out words and ring them up into the money machine. Writing does not come easy, and despite what others might think I do not write because I think it is fun. I write because I have to. Whether I am painting with oils or with words, self-expression is important to me, and built into my DNA. You might be asking yourself right about now, how I could lose interest if writing is so essential to my being. That is where this blog is so important to me. The friendships and encouragement I have gotten here in this cyber world keep me going. So here is a word of thanks to all my muses out there. I could not do it without you.
In the real everyday world encouragement is attached with a price tag. How much money you can make, if you should self-publish or not, if blogging alone will get you sponsors…the list goes on. There are many ways the real world will stamp you guilty for not doing something that is financially productive straight away. It would be nice if I could just spit out those words, publish a book and let the money roll in. So here is the book I am working on now, The Troll Inside. I have hit a dead spot. Inspiration has left the building and the pressure of life has killed my muse.
Contributing to society and the money machine could make me feel less guilty for the hours I spend splashing ink around. Maybe I will get tired of feeling guilty and that will make me lose interest in being what I am supposed to be, a writer and an artist. I could spend my time and conform myself into a sales clerk with a pay check or something like that. If I could join the matrix of mankind and be “normal, “If I could just delete that part of me that needed to be creative, would I? Would you? Sometimes I think it would be easier to just put on a uniform and go to work. Been there, done that. Now I am taking time out to explore this creative side of myself and I feel guilty. I guess women are born to feel guilty, to feel like they have to do everything to please everyone else. So my friends, that is my biggest fear. That my writing will not be enough to please everyone including myself and I will lose interest. That I will succumb to the matrix, my creative self will just wither up and die.
----So I fell onto the sidewalk and a man in a suit reached out his hand to help me up. I hesitated when I saw his face, so like the face of my father. A smile rested there, the kind of smile that said, “I told you not to run. I told you so!” It was so easy then to stand up on my own and smile back. ----
Sometimes we just have to fall down in order to practice getting up again. Sometimes we need help and sometimes we just have to do it ourselves.